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Out with the Old, In with the New
Seems like this is the year where everyone is doing these In and Out lists… once reserved for magazines and blogs, people are now using it as a way of making resolutions without actually saying that word, maybe tricking themselves into keeping with it for longer than one month. I have resolutions too, but it’s not so much “new year, new me,” but rather, becoming the me I want to be and, for whatever reason, don’t allow myself to be. I overanalyze everything. And unfortunately, that means I rarely act, because I’m too busy thinking through every possible scenario, outcome, and reaction. The reality in my head has become my…
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Amends: A Way to Better Yourself, or Simply a Buffy Episode?
If Yom Kippur is the Day of Atonement, and in a way is about making amends, perhaps the most important person to make amends with this year, is myself. I remember reading the article Someone reported worker to HR for being mean to herself, and while the woman was awful to herself, it didn’t even hold a candle to the things I’ve said to my own face. What started as self-deprecation quickly lost its humor and simply became scorn. The things I had once said in jest became things I actually believed to be truth. And I’m not the only person I need to make amends to. None of us are…
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Memorializing on Memorial Day
For days, I have been trying to figure out what to say. I was every writers block cliché, where the writer sits in front of an empty page, or an empty screen, and after hours and hours of “work”, they cut to the paper, or the screen, and mayyyybbbbeeeee there’s a title written down. I’m not even sure why it ‘s so important for me to write. Maybe to get out of my own head for a bit. Maybe to try to memorialize who my dad was. Maybe it’s because my domain just renewed, and I must have previously had a promotional fee, because this charge was through the roof,…
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He Did It His Way
That’s one of many things he taught me; to live life authentically, and unapologetically. To live life for you, and no one else.
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Plateau or Progress?
It’s been exactly two years and two days since my (first) surgery. Two years to the day for my second. Over the last week, it’s hit really hard, as it periodically does. Everything will be moving forward, and then something will happen to push back progress. Sometimes it’s a physical setback. Sometimes, it’s mental. Often, it’s both. Last week, while trying to prove my worth, I overexerted myself and hurt my back – not to the point of where I was several years ago, but enough for it to affect me both mentally and physically. Enough for the people around me to notice that something was up. I came home…
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New Year, Still Me. Cheers to 2023.
Three years ago, everyone walked into the new year with such high hopes. Those were dashed pretty quickly. 2020 was written off as a loss, due to a global pandemic and too many environmental and social injustices. 2021 brought my infamous ER visit, emergency spinal surgery (x2), and hospital stay (x2). 2022 was a year of healing. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I felt more like myself than I have in the last decade, even though I am completely different. Last year, I started physical therapy. I healed more than I thought I would when I first got released from the hospital, and yet haven’t healed as much as I had hoped. Who knows…
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See Me As I Am, Not as I See Myself
For the last few months, I’ve been trying to hide. Uncomfortable with all eyes on me, I’ve often changed or toned down things to appease others. I’ve hidden parts of myself that I found… unsavory. I haven’t even posted anything because I didn’t think anything I wrote was good, or any thoughts I had were valid. A part of it is being a perfectionist while trying to be everything to everyone else. I’m never included in the collective everyone, and yet, I should be high up on my own list. It’s not selfish. Even though I’ve been told it is. Unless others want to put me first, why shouldn’t I?…
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Make Way For May
Ever have a day with an insurmountable to do list, and instead of checking anything off of it, you take a nap? Rest. Self-care. Relaxation. In a state of almost meditation. This was my Sunday. Fitting for Mental Health Awareness month. There’s so much to do, to reflect on, and to push forward with, this month and always. It’s been awhile since I’ve written, and I think it’s because I haven’t wanted to be alone with my thoughts. Over the last three months, I took myself out of my comfort zone (a.k.a. home) by leaving it. Road trip to NC. Brunch with the girls. Axe throwing. A NYC excursion (food and…
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New Year, Same Me
Every year, people around the globe celebrate – with the best of intentions – what is really just another day. So many resolutions! “New year, new me!” they exclaim, as if they needed to wait for this event to make a change. Well, new year, same me. Except I’m not at all the same. One year ago, a lot of people were hoping that 2021 would be more reminiscent of 2019 than 2020… we blinked, and it’s 2022 (hopefully not 2020, too). A few years back, I decided to have a theme, instead of making resolutions. Last year, the only thing I wanted was a new job. And I’m pleased…
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Don’t Settle for Acceptable, Strive for More
Please read Part 1, here, and Part 2, here. I had quit one job to focus on my health and recovery. But time off could only last for so long. I had come across another job that ticked some boxes, but the further along in the interview process I got, the more boxes it checked. While it was currently remote, the office was local. A convenient commute for whenever the time comes to return to in-person work (and NO MORE commuting to NYC! I don’t think I realized how much of a toll that took until I stopped doing it). After three separate interviews with different team members, I liked them all. They…