When One Door Closes, Another Opens, and Other Clichés

Less than one month after celebrating five years at the company I worked for… I was unceremoniously let go. I suppose I have to caveat that the following is my experience, my thought process, after taking several days to process, reflect, and write constantly.

Over several years, I had been given more and more tasks, more responsibilities, and recently was working ’round the clock to hit a deadline. When I received the meeting invite a few days ago, my heart sank. I knew. I knew that my time was up.

I loved this job. It was in my very niche skillset, doing work that not a lot of people actually enjoy doing, for a company I liked, that made product I loved. The job that came before was a dark, dark, cloudy period over my life, as anyone who knew me then can attest to.

Getting this job was, literally, like the skies had parted, sunshine poured down, and life was good again.

Not perfect, because nothing is, or can be. But good. There was hope again.

Does that sound dramatic? Probably. 

Imagine living through it.

Over five years, I got comfortable. I actually liked going into the office several times a week, seeing people that I hoped would maybe become friends.

Maybe I got too comfortable.

When I received the meeting invite, I imagined the worst. Somewhere, deep inside, a tiny voice piped up, saying, maybe you’re wrong. You won’t know until you actually know, so don’t assume.

And of course, my gut was right. I should learn to trust it after all these years.

The sheer lack of warmth I felt in the meeting broke my heart a little. I felt I received more sympathy from the HR person then from my own boss. Again, these are MY thoughts, MY feelings. and having a place for my thoughts is the whole reason I started this blog in the first place.

This job was my livelihood. As per usual, I put so much into it, and for what? I thought it was the road to lead me somewhere. Instead, it kind of u-turned.

One thing I’ve noticed, time and again, is that I give more of myself to others. I lose myself in trying to be everything to everyone, but I don’t offer the same grace to myself.

Quite the opposite, actually. I have become so self-deprecating, because I don’t want to hear it from anyone else first. Always racing to beat them to it… Somewhere along the line, I actually started to believe the negative things I said about myself. 

I tied my self-worth to external factors that don’t actually measure, or mean, anything.

And here lies the surprise: I am the main character, of my life. Of course I am. Everyone should be the main character in their own life. Why should we bow down for others if it’s at our own expense? No one will do things for us. We have to somehow rise up, make our own way, look out for, and protect ourselves.

Didn’t getting let go, again, prove this, again?

I don’t know if I believe in signs, or if I’m simply trying to find meaning where there isn’t any. Our brains need to believe that the random chaos isn’t completely random. We need to believe that there is a point, an order, to everything.

Maybe the reason this happened is because I didn’t actually apply the lesson. It’s the difference between knowledge and knowing. I thought I learned, I thought I understood, but my actions didn’t back up the thought process, so I have to go through it all over again.

Maybe this is the kick in the ass I need to get my shit together. Instead of giving my time and energy to outside forces (who, seemingly, don’t give a shit about me), I turn it all inward and forge my own path.

Fear of the unknown is the real reason I’m paralyzed, and stuck in this loop. I tied my self-worth to external factors, and believed that their thoughts were the truth.

That was a lie.

If I take a step back, if I get out of my own head, I can see the path forward. I’m just afraid to take it. Taking it is a risk. It’s vulnerability. It’s the unknown. But if my alternative is doing what I’ve always done, I will always stay right where I am.

So welcome to the next chapter. I don’t even quite know exactly what it is yet. But follow along as I stumble forward, figuring it out.