Wednesday Wins: Pt. 1; Ziggy

9 Sept

Today’s Wednesday Wins will be a little inverted, because today’s win is also one of my greatest losses. Today, I lay my heart dog to rest.

Ziggy was special. Everyone loved him. 

He was so popular around the neighborhood, I remember one time, a guy I had never even seen came up to say hi to him. When I probably looked on incredulously, he finally looked at me, and said ‘it’s ok, I know him.’

Yes, random person, but I, his owner, don’t know you (we have since went on to become friendly). 

The first dog that I rescued came to me at 29. My lucky number. Garnet was my soulmate. She was the perfect first dog for me to have. When I lost her, I was left with a deep pit of sorrow inside. We did go onto adopt another dog three months later, and while I loved Carter, and was amazed by him, that didn’t alleviate any of the emptiness I had felt. 

Ziggy did. 

I don’t know what it is about him. He’s just so amazing. Resilient. The perfect family dog, although my family is tiny (and Jay and I are supposedly, numerically, adults). 

11 Sept

It’s so quiet. Too quiet. Grief is a funny thing. Something bad happens, and it completely shakes up your whole world, and then for a moment you’re happy. But then it’s like a light switch turns and you remember and you feel guilty for being happy because if you’re happy, does that mean that you’re not sad? Can both feelings exist simultaneously?

I want to write this while it’s fresh, but I don’t want to post it yet because I want the world to fall away. I want to disappear. I want people to care enough to notice my absence and wonder where I went.

12 Sept

Every moment of my day isn’t scheduled, but I still have a routine. Most of it revolves around having had dogs for the last 14 years. Wake up, walk them. Mid day, walk them. Before I go to bed, walk them. Dinner around the same time every evening. Make sure they have fresh water at all times. Can’t be spontaneous and see where the day takes me, because I have dogs to get home to. In the kitchen carrying out my dinner plate? Twirl around to face out, and make sure to have high knees to step over the dog at the doorway. 

Today is the first Saturday in a long time I didn’t have any of that. I don’t have to come home. I have no real responsibility right now.

16 Sept

This is all a compilation I wrote in moments of heavy grief. I know it’s not polished. I know it’s not very well written. What it is, is honest.

It wasn’t written for anyone, except myself to help me try to process feelings I can’t quite find the right words for. Over the last week, I could barely talk to anyone outside my immediate circle. And myself, a lot. 

It’s now been a solid seven days without him, and the house just feels empty. I treasure the summer I got to spend with him, just the two of us, simply existing together. Him resting while I crafted, or looked for jobs, or had some phone interviews. If they went well, I could celebrate with him. If they didn’t, I could cuddle him, and he’d look at me with such love in his eyes that I was so grateful I didn’t have an office to race to. 

The only thing now is to wait for him to be back at home with me. To take the time and allow myself to fully feel whatever I need to feel.

if you have pets, or anyone, that you love unconditionally, go hug them extra tight. As for me, I have no doubt in my mind that we gave each other the greatest life. I’m so grateful that we had our time together (8 years was not enough, and yet it’s still the longest I’ve had any of my dogs).

As is often asked in rescue, Who rescued who?