They Say Honesty Is The Best Policy

I wrote this on Monday, and was too terrified to post it. Since writing is intensely personal, by putting it out there, I’m also opening myself up to being judged.

On the other hand, those that judge me are probably people whose opinions I don’t value anyway.

The whole point has always been: if I don’t practice, I won’t get better. So go forth and suck. 

No one wants to hear the truth. 

The truth is ugly, and painful, and people can barely deal with their own negative feelings, much less someone else’s. 

But the truth is: I am deeply unhappy. And I have no idea what would make me happy. 

I know what I don’t want, which is a step in the right direction. But that doesn’t seem good enough. 

As long as I go forward, I can go forth in any direction – but I’m not sure which path leads to where I want to be, because I can’t even define where that is.

And I dont want to go forward, only to realize I made a giant loop and am right back where I started, or even worse, farther behind. 

I need money. Hate me for admitting it, but we all need it to simply survive. Even if I didn’t spend it on anything frivolous to bring me the tiniest modicum of joy, I still have bills. I still need to eat. And of course, eating healthy is so much more expensive than eating trash, which would cost more in the long run anyway, since it ruins our health. 

Maybe it’s not so much that I need money as I want it. I want to travel, to experience the world, or at least a world outside of my own limited one. Expanding my world isn’t frivolous; it’s necessary to be a better version of myself. To see, to experience, to learn. 

I need that, lest I burn out. And how does burnout benefit anyone?

But I actually do need money. I need it to pay for what I heard referred to as the disability tax. Money that has to be spent on things that “able-bodied“ people don’t even think about, because the world is designed for them.

Sometimes, it feels like I’m drowning, and splashing around in hopes of recognition, and instead people only get mad that they’re getting wet.

Severance just ended. It’s been 3 months. I don’t feel like I have enough to show for it. I should have an array of finished projects, a clean and organized home, something that I accomplished.

That’s a lot of pressure to put on myself.

It’s been an interesting summer. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking, writing, trying to sell off my life on eBay in the hopes of shedding the old me.

At what point do I follow the old path, taking a job that doesn’t align with my path forward?

Or is the mindset, quantum leap, idea of believing I am this amazing person who has everything they want the actual way forward?

This goes back to the above; I don’t know what it is I want. I keep hoping someone, somewhere out there can help point me in the right direction.

But the truth is, no one can. There’s no one to rely on except myself, and I must not trust myself enough yet.

Trust me, I want to figure out how to succeed on my own, without having to rely on the frayed ropes of faux security given by others. 

This can’t be isolated. I can’t be the only person who is confused, or afraid, or lost.

I don’t know if this is a midlife crisis, a life crisis, or something else. 

Sometimes, I hate writing about it, and encouraging other people to read about how miserable I am, because I don’t want to be That Girl. But this is the one thing that’s mine, is it not? 

I needed a place to go, and this is the one I created for myself. 

I just need a little guidance. 

If you have any ideas, tips, thoughts, or even acknowledgement, please feel free to share.

Maybe this life isn’t meant to be lived alone, and this can be a way for us to come together.