Chiron in Taurus

If it’s not perfect, it’s not good enough.

Am I the only one who thinks like this? It’s exhausting, isn’t it? More than that, it’s limiting. I don’t think anything I put out there will be perfect, will resonate, so I don’t put out anything. Then, since I didn’t do what I set out to, essentially doing nothing, I feel bad, and since I feel bad, I do nothing.

It’s a cycle that has to break, so it might as well be here and now.

Do the thing, even though I’m terrified. Admit that I have no idea what is going on. But isn’t that all of us? We do our best to figure it out as we stumble along, and no one really knows what they’re doing. Not just me. I’m not the anomaly.

Is this just imposter syndrome?

The funny thing is, I spent so long talking myself out of doing anything substantial, that I stagnated. If I just start, and keep going, I’ll learn and grow and get better, no?

In order to master anything, you have to start somewhere. You have to suck. And you have to keep going. If artists have different periods of their work, I guess this is my evolutionary phase.

Chiron is in Taurus and that evidently means healing and building up self-worth. It makes sense. I spent a long time talking myself down… and talking down to myself. I thought if I could open up about it, it would help – even though my brain tells me not to, because I trained it that way.

What happens when you constantly, consistently speak negatively about yourself? You start to believe it. Honestly? That’s proof that manifestation is real, and I’m just manifesting the wrong things because I’m funneling my energy into the wrong side.

If I spent the last decade convincing myself I was worthless, I was nothing, and that became my reality, wouldn’t the opposite hold true?

Isn’t that the point of this little experiment? Carve out my place, be who I want to be, not who life tells me I should be. Do the thing I want, throw things at the wall, see what sticks?

This isn’t the first time in my life that mindset has come into play. But I have a skewed view on time. It passes, and it feels like it hasn’t, until you realize just how long it’s actually been.

There have been studies about how the passage of time has scientifically changed over the past several years. And it’s hard for me to wrap my head around it. It’s the whole reason I look for accountability. Trying to break the cycle I spoke of before – doing nothing, feeling bad. Like a dog chasing its tail.

Time doesn’t wait for anyone. And I’m tired of feeling left behind.

I can give into the fear and stay where I am, or I can attempt to face it and do the things anyway, in spite of my fear. Spite is honestly my current motivation anyway. Anything to get me up and at ’em.

My dad used to say that people would rather stay where they are, and stay miserable, then risk being happy because it came down to fear of the unknown. We cling to what we know.

On the outside, most people seem so comfortable, so content in that space, even though that space is so limiting. They stay there, because it’s safe. They don’t elevate, they don’t ascend. They’re content being small, and I want something greater.

I want to be aware and make a change, because I don’t want to continue the same circular path. This is me trying to branch off, starting a new way forward. After all, there’s no time like the present.

If it’s not perfect, I’m not good enough. That’s what I’m really thinking.

Someone, somewhere will tell me that’s true. Yet that doesn’t make it true. We supposedly have the power to write our own realities. That’s what I’m trying to consciously choose, while taking whoever wants to come along for the ride.