Nirav – 155:200 C20

My dad died, and while it wasn’t unexpected, I still wasn’t ready. 

A wise woman once said, “it’s always sudden,” and she’s completely correct. I knew it was coming for 5 years, and yet… it was still sudden. I think it’s the difference between knowledge and knowing, a lesson he taught me well. 

I miss him so much. Growing up, he was my best friend, my hero, the one who taught me lessons that few people ever learn, much less teach. He wasn’t like any of the other dads, which at one point probably embarrassed me, but as I grew up, I cherished that. Our relationship was unique – I could talk to him about anything, and he didn’t judge. 

He passed on in the spring of 2023, and I don’t even have his ashes. It was always his wish to be spread out half in the mountains, half at sea. Two places he loved. I don’t think he would’ve minded if I had some, and I definitely do mind that I don’t. 

Callen Schaub is an artist I’ve followed since 2019. He started The Butterfly Project, and he recently completed his second phase. I somehow conflated the two: my dad, and a butterfly. I wanted so badly to be part of this project, for a myriad of reasons. A tangible item that could represent my dad, an artist whose work I’d loved for several years, a sign that my dad was still with me – in both a spiritual, as well as a physical sense. 

And somehow, I was chosen. I chose my butterfly, I shared the briefest glimpse of my dad, trying to wrap up all of the feelings about who he was into a concise few lines, hoping to do justice to this representation. 

And because of where I live and the time of year, I was so scared I wouldn’t get this package. In my head, this little piece of artwork and my Dad have become entwined. While I still have certain sentimental items, there are certain things I don’t have that I wish I did… like the mixtape he made from Kiss FM, the one we listened to on road trips; some old photos; his tallit. 

Yesterday, Jay came home and announced I had mail. He went through each piece, one by one. A card. A letter. Junk. And a small packet that had a fragile sticker on it. 

I cried. 

Yesterday was rough. And I had prayed that I would receive the butterfly, as a sign that things would be ok. 

And I did. 

It was honestly hard to tell what the butterflies looked like from the tiny images I could see on my screen. It was hard to see the details, until people started posting their own videos with close-ups. 

By the time I chose my butterfly, I believe there were only 50 left. And I couldn’t even remember my dad‘s favorite color to aid in my choosing. I looked through and chose one that I felt represented him, not for any real reason, just a feeling.

And when I opened it, and held it in my hands, I could see the details up close. The sprinkle of glitter overlaying the earthy colors. It represents him because he loved nature, and he definitely had a sense of magic about him. He truly was like no one else in the world, and this butterfly is like no other. 

The world lost a one of a kind person. He had many (many) faults, but he also had a unique belief system that truly embodied peace. 

That’s what this butterfly represents to me. I’m so grateful to have it, as I’m so grateful to be my dad’s daughter.