A Real Life Horror Story

Did you know that today is cauda equina awareness day? Have you ever even heard of cauda equina? I hadn’t, either, until a red flag symptom led to a google search, which probably saved my ability to walk. 

Does that sound dramatic? It was. 

Usually, if it comes up in conversation, I simply tell people to google it, and let them come to their own conclusions. Right, wrong, I let them think what they will.

Few people have been let in on its effects of my life. Sometimes, a part of me wishes that people, certain people, might care enough to ask, to pry. But truthfully, few people deserve to know. Even if they did ask, I don’t even know how I’d respond. It’s so personal, and honestly? So scary. 

We grow up believing that we can do anything and be anyone. We don’t ever think that these random, unfortunate events will happen to us… one second, everything is fine. Then literally, in the blink of an eye, everything is different, and nothing will ever be the same. 

I didn’t think I’d have 2 major spinal surgeries within 2 days of each other. My friend probably never thought she’d get cancer. Random events just happen, no rhyme or reason.

I know that I will never be who I was, before surgery. There are lasting effects that, after this long, I don’t think will get much better. 

2 years was the guideline for recovery – and while nothing is set in stone, while there are no rules, it’s been twice that time, so I don’t think I have much farther to go. 

This is what my life will be from here on out. Everything I do has to be carefully planned, and calculated. I have to always prepare for the worst case scenario, all the while dealing with people who think I’m fine because I look fine, whatever the hell that means. 

With certainty, I can say that I am not fine. I grieve for the times before. I grieve for a part of me that is essentially dead. That fits in with spooky season, right?

Life is so much easier when what we see matches what we expect. Anything different throws off our perception. And for many people, when that perception is challenged, they get angry. The disconnect is just unfathomable. From experience, it tends to make people react in ways that are anything but understanding.

But life isn’t easy. A little bit of kindness goes a long way.

I wasn’t sure I was going to write this. I forced myself to. And even though I feel like a used a lot of words to say essentially nothing, I want to leave you with one word: empathy. 

Have some. Like the quote says, you never know what battles people are fighting.